Kome Olori Agulonu: How to be a Good Nigerian Wife
Dear
Nigerian wife, heartfelt congratulations to you on your recent
nuptials. Love is indeed a beautiful thing and I am so pleased that you
have met and married the man of your dreams. Surely after all the
celebration, you just want to go home and live happily ever after with
your other half. To help you navigate towards your future happiness,
here are a few words of wisdom from me to you completely free of charge:
The first thing you must know about
being a good wife is that your in-laws have all the power in your
marriage. Regardless of all you thought or imagined in the past, you
start to live by their grace as soon as you say “I do”. Yes. They can
visit your home anytime they like with suitcases in tow and stay for as
long as they like too. Simply delete any idea you have to complain –
after all, you should be grateful they let their son or brother marry
you. Instead, as a good wife, you should concern yourself with more
important things like getting pregnant immediately. Do not get it
twisted. These people are not interested in your ‘good’ girl reputation.
All they really want are grand-children. How you even managed to marry
their son without a bun in the oven is beyond them. Didn’t Mary mother
of Jesus experience Immaculate Conception? So why didn’t you?
Secondly- for as long as you intend to
stay married to Mr wonderful, your cooking has to be on point. In this
case, variety is your friend. You have to be able to impress him with
your cooking if you want him to keep growing in love with you. Under no
condition should you consider ordering food from outside your home; only
lazy women get take-out for their families to eat. So please even if
hubby requests for Banga soup and starch at midnight, you have to be
willing to make it for him. Failure to deliver will push hubby into the
hands of those girls out there.
Ha those girls out there! Haven’t you
noticed them hanging around before? They are the hot, single ladies who
go everywhere in Brazilian hair, short dresses and enough makeup to kill
the fishes in the Atlantic Ocean. They are hard-core believers in the
merits of married men and their main aim of living is your husband. They
go everywhere hoping to bump into him so they can snatch him. But don’t
be deceived oh. Even though they look like they live in the salon,
these babes can cook! Think about any dish – pepper soup, banga soup,
Ayematse, even Bolognese. It does not matter what country or continent
the dish is from, they will deliver.
If the girls outside do not catch your
husband first, trust the witches and wizards in both your villages to do
it. Imagine both Yokozuna and the Undertaker catching your man in a
tight corner, and then you know that he is finished. It does not matter
that he has never been to his village before. All these forces need to
know is that he got married and has to provide for his family to come
after him with the vengeance of Amadioha (Igbo deity). To safe guard him
and your happiness, you have to join the nearest praying church in your
area preferably the ones that chase their enemies with fire.
Thereafter, you have to pray every day and night or the witches will
think that you are only joking. Ignore the fact that your husband sleeps
through your night vigils. It is not him you are after. It is the
witches and you don’t want them to intensify their mission. Or do you?
Before long, things should start to
quiet down on the spiritual front since more people from your village
will have gotten hitched. The shift will leave enough time for you to
diligently do your husband’s laundry. Note -Dirty shirts and boxers are
your new best friends. They allow you to prove your undying love for
your husband. Luckily many people have washing machines nowadays so they
rarely have to deal with the skid marks left on oga’s
underwear. If for any reason you do not have one of those machines in
your house Ariel detergent and a few scrubs works wonders. The magic is
complete when everything is dry, neatly ironed and arranged in the
drawers for the next wear. His colleagues, friends and family will see
how impeccably dressed he is and praise you to high heavens.
Now, while you are pleasing the in-laws,
cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, working (because modern men detest
idle women) you have to make it your objective to remain sexy. So that
when the time for adult games come (the one that usually involves a bed)
he has absolutely nothing to complain about. You must never plead
tiredness, headaches or you will have to explain what you have been
doing all day? Also, it is highly beneficial if you endeavour to stay
fit because he may ask you to get into all sorts of kinky positions
perhaps involving a pole. Whatever you do, do not give him a reason to
return you to your father’s house like a broken Barbie. We all know that
it does not end well for wives who are returned. Keep him happy.
Dear wife, you do not need to be
Nigerian to benefit from the advice here. These words will help you even
if you or your husband is from another part of Africa where a happy
husband means a happy wife and home.
Finally, thank you, dear reader for
reading this far. Allow me to point out that the words above do not
reflect my opinion of marriage or how to be a good wife in any way. They
are simply, extreme, stereotypical opinions (compiled with fun in mind)
of marriage that have been passed on to many young ladies, including me
as advise by well-meaning friends and family. To me, a good marriage is
not at all about servitude, subjugation or any of their cousins.
I hope you enjoyed my compilation and look forward to any additional stereotypical ideas that you can add in the comment area.
Live, Love, Laugh.
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